To my unborn child

My husband and I were expecting our second baby on December 26, 2019. On June 14th, 2019 - just shy of 13 weeks - we lost our baby, for unknown reasons. 

I knew when it began. I knew what was happening, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn't help but imagine the fear and pain my unborn child may have been experiencing.

The loss of a baby is all encompassing. There is no comparison I can find. I feel robbed.

It has been two weeks, and we have reflected, healed, loved, prayed and mended. But the loss will be forever. Permanent. While we remain in awe of Mother Nature's unspeakable wisdom, and her graces that will never be fully understood, the scars will never completely fade. And that is okay. For we never want to forget. 

We have named our baby, Amari Noel Karpe, and this is my letter - my promise - to him/her.

~~~

Amari,

In a single heartbeat, you turned a sunset into a sunrise. You were my special secret - you brought me joy in moments no one else could know of. All while so small, hidden, quiet and voiceless.

Your Dada and I were overwhelmed and excited and so lucky to have two children under two! But you left almost as quickly as you came. Your brevity of existence has reminded us of both the strength and also the fragility of life. You reminded us to cherish what is most sacred - and let go of all the rest. 

I can't claim I know what happens after our hearts stop beating and our bodies return to the Earth. But I know you were a part of me. We were together, you and I, every waking moment and ever sleeping night. And although I have been robbed in a very real sense, I also know you are with me - in me. And in some other sense, I know that a part of you shall forever reside with me.

Through me, so long as I live, I will pour out your love, your strength and your courage - ravishingly, fully - onto your brother and daddy and this big, big world. 

With so much love,

Mama